1. If you stare at your owner long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.  It's not their fault they don't understand dog-speak... sometimes they just never made it out of the backyard of life, ya know?
2. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
3. Always sniff FIRST before you lick ANYTHING!
4. If you don't like the movie they're watching on TV, howl your most pitiful howl until you get their attention.  In fact, sometimes the only way to get their attention when they're watching TV is to howl in front of the TV and frequently... try to do it during commercials when their attention span towards you increases.
5. Never hump a stranger - you just never know where they've been, ya know?
6. If you don't like the way your human smells, a few wet sneezes all over them will get their attention.  If they miss this the first time, keep doing it until they finally understand... sometimes humans are very slow about getting the message unless it is wet (or smells).
7. Don't go out without proper ID... even if it is just for a small widdle right by the back door.  You just never know what's behind the next bush.
8. Be direct with people.  If you don't like them, let them know this by sitting with your back towards them.  If this still doesn't give them the message, let them know exactly how you feel by whiddling on their shoes... sometimes humans need visual and/or wet aids to understand your true feelings about things.
9. Leaving room in your daily schedule for a good nap insures you'll be up bright and early each morning to wake up your human when you need to go out.
10. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as they drag you out from under the bed).
11. Be patient with humans - they can't help they weren't born in litters.
12. If your water bowl is empty, nothing gets you water faster than taking a lick out of your human's glass.  Be careful though - avoid whiddle-colored liquids.  On second thought?  Avoid any colored liquid at all... humans drink some very strange things.
13. The better you behave in the outside world, the more likely they'll take you out for walks and let you meet new visitors.  Clue?  If you get locked in the bathroom every time the door bell rings, you're not doing this right and need to modify your behavior.
14. Never close both eyes when small humans are around.  If you must have a nap, find some place small humans aren't allowed... it's the only assurance you have that your ears won't be pulled, you won't be sat on or the other annoying things that small humans do to dogs when they're bored and you want to nap.
15. Standing right aside of the refrigerator door late at night when your human goes there for a snack usually insures you'll get one too.
16. If it's not wet, it's not really a kiss.
17. Never burp too close to a human - for the next time they hand you a bone, it might be one of those green-colored ones that tastes like cardboard. 
18. If you don't like the food they are giving you, simply refuse to eat it.  Then when the humans sit down to eat, position yourself in direct eyesight from them and give everyone at the table your most DIRECT stare.
19. Never whiddle on a bush that can be seen directly from the backdoor... always go around the corner and whiddle in private.
20. Beds and couches are made to be slept on, but only when the humans are not around or at home.
21. If you share your home with another dog, always leave the scene of the crime IMMEDIATELY... they'll come to investigate it - usually by the time your human discovers the crime.
22. Don't try to compete in gas-passing contests with your humans... female humans don't like it, male humans can't stand the competition - either way, you'll be sent outdoors before he is.
23. Speaking about gas-passing, if you don't like the food your human is feeding you, make sure you do this a LOT and EVERY day.  They will eventually give you something else - works every time!
24. Size determines everything when giving affection.  If you're small, don't show too much affection to your male human when your female human is around.  If you're medium-sized, you can spread your affection around most days.  If you're big, always show your affection to the male human when he's in the room first, then to your female human second.  If you're VERY big, you're immune to the size qualification regarding affection.
25. Despite what your human makes you wear, it'll all be over faster if you just cooperate.  The longer you don't, the longer the experience will last.

(all Peanut photos above are copyrighted 2007 - L.A. Nelson - all rights reserved)